


from now on, fearless

by artificialromance



Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, wlw/mlm solidarity lmaooo, write more janis & damian friendship content cowards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-06-28 03:17:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15699054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialromance/pseuds/artificialromance
Summary: Ex-popular art freak finds vice-queen bee crying in the girls’ bathroom.Clichés like these make Janis sick to her stomach.





	1. a start on brave

Janis went to the bathroom to wash her hands and clean a few paintbrushes. Studio art was her favorite class (if you’d even count electives), her forty-five minutes of peace each weekday, a sanctuary from the hot pink chaos she felt everywhere else at North Shore High. She _didn’t_ come to the bathroom to eavesdrop on a stranger’s emotional breakdown.

But as the fates allow, she hears sniffling come from the last stall. Confused, she peeks at the shoes of the only other person in the bathroom. Quintessential plastic pink pumps on tan, slender feet. It had to be Gretchen.

Ex-popular art freak finds vice-queen bee crying in the girls’ bathroom. Clichés like these make Janis sick to her stomach.

Against her better judgement, Janis says, “Are you okay in there?”

Gretchen cleared her throat. “Yeah, totally!” she says, voice high and perky. Another sniffle. “Um, who is this?”

“It’s, uh.” Shit. She shouldn’t’ve said anything. “It’s Janis,” she says, weakly enthusiastic.

“Oh!” And then silence. Awkward, delicious silence.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Do you wanna talk about it or—“

“No!” Her voice was even higher in pitch. “No, I’m fine!” She giggles, and it’s sort of psychotic and decently frightening.

“Gretchen, what are you doing? Can you come out of there?”

“I—okay. Yeah, okay,” she says.

More shuffling, and the stall opens to reveal what looks to Janis like the dictionary definition of a hot mess. Gretchen’s eyes are red and puffy. Her face is splotchy and wet. And it soon takes on a look of terror when she sees herself in the mirror. “Oh no, oh no oh no oh no,” She rushes over to the sink, and rummages through her bag. “I can’t let her see me like this.” _Regina_.

Gretchen’s breathing is heavy, and her tears haven’t quite stopped. It’s truly a sight to see, second-in-command plastic sporting an all-designer outfit and a melted face. Gretchen takes out a makeup bag, but her hands are shaking so hard she can barely unzip it.

“Here, let me,” Janis says without a moment’s reflection. She takes the pouch from Gretchen’s hand, unzips it and looks at what she has to work with. A travel-sized packet of makeup wipes, first. When Gretchen sees Janis plan to start with a clean slate, her eyes grow wide. “No offense, Janis, and I appreciate you doing this and all but I don’t really want the same, uh, eye look as you,” Gretchen stutters.  
Janis cracks a smile and says, “Relax. I know what to do. I used to do it too, remember?” she says. Maybe it stings a little to bring it up, but it’s her own fault she did it. She tries to shake the memories, takes a wipe and gently swipes it across Gretchen’s eyelid. “You’re in good hands, Chica.” She gets a little smile out of that one. Nice.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Janis asks.

“I guess,” Gretchen says. “But you can’t tell anyone! Not that you would, besides Damian, but you guys seem like good friends who wouldn’t spread each other’s secrets. So, like, just make it like my secrets are yours now. And…Regina says that the only reason that you could ever be a threat to her was because you were friends with Cady which is the reason why she invited her to sit with us in the first place but now that Cady’s friends...Best friends…with her now, she doesn’t have to worry about you anymore. I don’t know why she says those things,” she says, shaking her head, distraught.

“Well, that’s a lot—“

“Regina says she doesn’t give out candy canes, and that she only receives them. So it’s not like I expected her to get me one or anything, I mean I’m not CRAZY, but the thing is she got one for Cady and she called Cady her best friend, which was just so uncool of her. Cady’s a nice girl and everything but I’ve always been so close with Regina that I just feel like I deserve it you know? I don’t know, maybe it’s asking too much. But I do everything she tells me, and I even try to do it _before_ she tells me and it’s still never enough and then I don’t know what came over me but I let slip all of Regina’s secrets to Cady, but since Cady is a better best friend than me she’ll keep them I think. But then I was feeling so many things that I knew I was going to cry but I didn’t want anyone to see, so I thought to come here. Clearly it’s not the privacy I had hoped for but the Janitor’s closet was locked and I didn’t really know what else to do.” The girl speaks at lightning speed, and by the time she’s done, her eye area is cleaned up.

And she’s pretty. Really pretty. She looks really different without as much makeup, and Janis doesn’t know what she expected but the girl kind of just shines, despite just having cried her eyes out. Maybe because of it.

 _Oh, yeah_. Gretchen’s mental breakdown was directly caused by something that was Janis’s idea. Pangs of guilt arise in her stomach, and she can tell they’ll persist off and on for a long while.

Janis definitely didn’t think this through.

Gretchen sniffs. “Thank you for listening. Regina says I talk to much. I don’t think she’s ever let me talk that long.” Gretchen glanced at the mirror. Probably out of habit, Janis supposes.

“Here, hold on,” Janis says, as she takes Gretchen’s chin and tilts it upward.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been at school without makeup before,” she says, marveling at the anomaly that was a bare-faced reflection in the school bathroom mirror. The bizarre reality of their situation probably hits her again, because she covers her face with her hands and says, “Oh, Janis, you shouldn’t see me like this. I’m sorry. I’m never a mess. Like, never on the outside. It’s what’s on the outside that counts, usually,” she says, “even though they say the opposite. You know?”

Janis is at a loss for words. She takes some concealer on her fingers, and puts the tube back. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

Gretchen seems a little calmer as Janis softly taps away to blend her makeup. Her sniffling has stopped, and her hands rest still.

“Thank you for doing this.”

“You already thanked me.”

“Oh, yeah, you’re right. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for things that aren’t your fault.” Their faces are close, and she sees Gretchen’s lips tighten. Janis doesn’t know if it’s because she fought off the urge to apologize a second time, or because she’s embarrassed.

“Sorry, Gretchen, I didn’t mean to tell you what to do.”

“No! It’s good advice. Your turn not to apologize,” she smiles.

Janis chuckles. “Okay. I’m unsorry.”

“I’m…unsorry, too. About that. But not in general.”

Janis removes her hand from Gretchen’s face, and the other girls eyes flutter open.

Softly, calmly, Janis asks, “What do you mean?”

Gretchen averts her eyes. “I haven’t spoken more than a word or two to you since middle school. At first I thought that was what I was supposed to do because you needed time after what Regina did but I don’t know. You’re really great. You were strong, and the funniest person I ever knew, and you protected me whenever Regina got mad. You were a really good friend and I didn’t just under appreciate you, I forgot all about it. And I’m sorry for forgetting.”

So much is going on and nothing at all, all at once. Gretchen grew nervous as she spoke, rocked back and forth on her heels. And being reminded of middle school gives her a lump in her throat that’s hard to swallow down and impossible to ignore. She forces her words through it anyway.

“It’s okay. She’s scary. You were scared.”

“You must’ve been even more scared. I’ve never seen you be scared, Janis. And then I heard about you taking time off from school, and I thought about you being scared and I could barely even imagine it. And I’m sorry for not looking back. To check on you, and stuff. Checking is kind of my thing. I regret it.” Gretchen’s eyes haven’t left the floor. She looks like a little girl owning up to her own guilt for the first time. It’s a little too much to handle.

“I guess I’m not as strong as I look, then,” Janis mumbles.

“Janis, you survived people literally telling you to die,” Gretchen said. The words “thanks for the reminder” sit heavy on her tongue, but she swallows them down, too. Listens to the rest of what Gretchen has to say. “I couldn’t’ve done that. And for the record, since Regina kicked you out of the party for liking girls—allegedly, I mean—then she made a mistake not kicking me out, too.”

_What. The. Fuck._

Gretchen looks up at her, expectantly, and it’s very very difficult for Janis to focus on her own thoughts when her eyes are so bright and hopeful, no more than a foot away from her.

“Are you—“

“I don’t know! I think so?” Anxious Gretchen rises to the surface. She frantically opens and closes her hands by her side.

“I didn’t even finish the question.”

“I’m a try-hard like they say but I’m not clueless, Jan.” The retired nickname makes her heart skip a beat. “It doesn’t take a genius to know you were asking if I—if I’m…” Gretchen chews on her lip.

 _She can’t even say it_. “You can’t even say it.” Janis is dumbfounded. Talk about a plot twist.

“Yeah,” Gretchen whispers. “I told you. I’m not brave.”

“Hey, you almost said it. That’s a start on brave.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah,” Janis smiled. She’s smiling down on Gretchen Wieners.

And the next thing she knows, Gretchen Wieners is leaning in and up, eyelids lowering, and she can feel this girl’s breath on her lips.

And the next thing after that, Janis is panicking, and stepping back, and Gretchen lets out the most precious little gasp it hurts, and Janis sees her face screw up and doesn’t take her eyes off her as she turns away, doesn’t take her eyes off her when she grabs her bags and her heels click-click away on the tile, doesn’t take her eyes off her when she hears her own voice yell “Gretchen, wait!” but feels her feet bolted to the ground.

She doesn’t stop thinking about Gretchen as she puts both hands in her hair to keep her head from exploding, exploding with the memory of her eyes and her lips and sweet smell of her hair and how disappointed she seemed and how she smiled through her tears and the way her small hands shook with fear and how they stopped shaking because she wasn’t scared anymore because she thought Janis was _brave._

And Janis is haunted; haunted when she looks at her reflection in the foggy, vandalized mirror until the bell rings, and haunted after that.

 

—

 

“Okay, cut to the chase, babe,” Damian deadpans over FaceTime. Janis puts her sketching pencil down and picks up her phone to face him.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you start acting dumb on me. I don’t wanna have to watch that twice.” Janis scowls at him through the screen. “I can tell that something’s bothering you. I can always tell, dahling. _Spill_.”

“I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about.” She’s met with silence, and an expectant-looking Damian on her screen.

Janis resigns, and takes a breath in. “Do you think we’re going overboard with the whole revenge operation we’ve got going on?”

“What kind of a question is that? The Janis I know lives for that shit.”

“I thought so too!” She tells him. “But I don’t know. I feel guilty. Like maybe we crossed a line.”

“How so?” Damian asks. It’s embarrassing, she still doesn’t know how to say it without it sounding embarrassing. So she just says it.

“Like what Cady said about Gretchen. She only changed her mind after Regina flaunted Aaron around in her face like a brand new Gucci bag. She was right, Gretchen is fragile.”

“Okay, but what about it? Did something happen?” God, here it comes. She has to tell him. She _wants_ to tell him, just as much as she wants it to never have happened.

“I talked to her today.”

“Whoa.”

“Yeah, I went to the bathroom during art to wash some brushes when I went to work on an old piece with a different palette and she was there. Apparently she was throwing up, I don’t know if it was on purpose or what, but yeah. She was crying too. And shaking so much, like she couldn’t even fix her makeup.”

He nods. “Melted plastic, must’ve been terrifying.”

“Yeah, a little. Anyway, she was talking a lot, and sounded extremely distressed. So distressed she let me do her makeup.”

“You did _what_?”

“Only a little. She left before I could finish anything more than concealer," she mumbles.

"Besides the point and you know it."

Janus huffs. "For the record, I _tried_ not to tell you.”

“Uh huh, not hard enough. Sweetheart, WHAT in the lesbian stereotype?” Damian puts his head in his free hand.

“Hey, can we focus on me? _My_ feelings? You’re my pseudo therapist, remember? Tell me what to make of this shit.”

“Right, right.” Damian sighs. “Okay. I mean it’s not like Gretchen is innocent. She’s been mean. She’s a complete enabler with Regina. Even if she’s a victim, too, that doesn’t count for nothing. Actions and consequences and all that. You shouldn’t feel bad.”

“I guess. I don’t know why I do. But I was thinking about it, and she was never mean to me. You know, when Regina wasn’t around. Like when I came back to school at the end of eighth grade, none of them even looked at me if they weren’t shooting me a glare, like they wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole. But Gretchen hugged me goodbye for the summer.”

“Janis, first of all, that was eighth grade. Second, Gretchen’s hot. Super hot. It’s a fact and having eyes doesn’t make me any less gay. And hot people are powerful. There are numerous studies on the societal advantages they hold because we instinctively trust them more, even in professional settings, out of evolutionary interest,” he explains. “Us mortals just have to deal. She’s a hot girl who showed you weakness. Why do you think nice guy Aaron keeps getting back together with the literal she-devil in a barbie skin suit? It’s not your fault you have a heart, and hormones, and it’s fine as long as you don’t let it consume you.”

Damian is always intelligent in his advice. He’s knowledgeable, and a thinker. It’s why he and Janis work so well together. He’s all type A and she’s all type B. He He’s her head, and she’s his heart. They level out, keep each other in check. A balancing act for the ages. But she’s not going to tell him everything.

And she knows that it’ll set them off-kilter.

“You’re right. But I still feel like there might have been something _there_. I feel like this was the first time in a long time I really saw her, you know? It made me remember when we _were_ friends back then, and I could tell she isn’t evil to the core, not at all Regina. Maybe that doesn’t make sense. You had to be there, I guess.”

“Okay,” he says to her. It’s a soft “ok,” one that says _I believe you_. And then that’s exactly what he says.

“I believe you.”

“Thanks,” Janis says.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt. Because even if Gretchen is nice deep down, or on one of her two faces or whatever, there’s no telling if that much nice is gonna be enough to stop her from following Regina’s kill orders, alright?”

“I don't know, maybe it is."

"You don't wanna take that chance."

"Regina can’t hurt me any more than she already has,” Janis says calmly.

“See, when you say that it makes me worry.”

“Why? I just said you _don’t_ have to worry about me getting hurt.” She didn’t intend an accusatory tone, but it’s what comes out. She thinks about apologizing, but it’s like she does it without saying anything. He’s patient. He knows what she meant.

“Getting hurt is a part of being truly okay. You don’t get to choose a lid for your heart, hon. It’s either a hard shell to everybody or it's what it’s supposed to be—soft, gooey tissue that’s caged but vulnerable. I want you to be safe but safe means jack shit without happy. You deserve your balance of both.”

“Well, there's no way my heart's frozen over yet if I could cry right now about what you said. I won’t, but I could if I wanted to. And tried really hard.”

“Thanks, I’m here all week, free of charge.” Janis smiles.

“Also, if I know you I know you’re gonna stay up all night feeling sorry for our second favorite plastic and for yourself, so my advice to you is stop before you start that nonsense. Apply that lavender essential oil I got you and sleep instead. Please,” he says.

“I’ll try. I mean, I can’t disobey a doctor’s orders but I can’t make any promises. Essential oils are not an exact science.”

“They are when you’re an expert, which I am,” Damian persists. “One drop on each of your wrists and touch your wrists to your temples. Two on your neck and chest if you’re really going through it.”

“Definitely both.”

“Goodnight Janis,” he says.

“Goodnight.”


	2. a very recent feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay shit is in the next chapter this one is logistics and danis and jamian content, also there's a little section of cady's pov @ the plastics table for fun

“ _Janis_. Earth to Janis.” She’s startled by her best friend’s hand waving in front of her face, narrowing her eyes at him when she snaps out of it.

“What’s up with you? Did you sleep last night?” Damian must know by now that that’s a more accurate question than _how_ she slept, because, well. Sometimes there wouldn’t be an answer.

But this time there was. “Yeah, actually. Six whole hours.”

“Six? Wait, that’s really good!” he says, and it’s genuine, and her mouth lifts into a small smile. She doesn’t really know what she’d ever do without him.

“Yeah, all thanks to my personal apothecary,” she jokes at him.

“What can I say? I’m such a professional.”  
“That you are, Doc.”

“Oh God, don’t call me that. It makes me feel like I’m in my thirties, which I already feel way too often for someone who’s only half that.”

“Noted, MD candidate.”

Damian makes a face. “That one’s not as funny out loud. Too clunky.” They make a habit of rating each other’s jokes.

“You’re so right, but in my defense they can’t all be winners.”

“Fair enough. So what _is_ up with you?”

“Nothing.” Her stomach lurches from lying through her teeth again.

___

 

"Shit. I left my Kalteen bars in my locker. I'll be back." Regina says, taking her tray with her as she leaves the lunch table. Karen waves bye to her, but Regina ignores it.

Gretchen looks entranced across the table, her head resting on her fist and her other hand fiddling with her bracelets.

“Gretchen? Are you…okay?”

“Hmm?” she responds, gaze drifting back toward Cady.

“I was asking if you’re okay. You look kind of anxious?”

“Oh!” Gretchen giggles. It’s a little frightening. “Of course I’m okay, silly! Why would I be anxious? What’s there to be anxious about?”

“It sort of sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself of that.”

“Cady, girl, trust me. I’m _so_ chill!”

Cady just nods at her, clearly unconvinced. Gretchen picks up her drink and takes a sip from her straw.

“Why were you staring at Janis?” Karen asks.

Gretchen almost chokes on her diet coke, coughing and covering her mouth. Her face starts to get red. “I wasn’t—what are you talking about?”

“What’s the big deal?” Karen asks as Gretchen face grows pinker by the second. “I was just asking.”

“I’m gonna—I’ll be right back,” Gretchen says, grabbing her purse and struggling to rush away from the table. Her heels click click

Cady shoots a glance over at Janis and Damian’s table. He looks confused. She’s watching Gretchen leave. She looks…concerned?

 _What the fuck?_ Damian mouths. Janis looks at Cady too for a moment before turning her head away.

Cady shrugs, and Damian gestures for her to turn around. She does as she’s told and sees that Regina’s on her way back from across the room.

Karen leans forward and and holds a hand up to hide her mouth. “I think Gretchen is into Janis,” Karen whispers slowly.

Cady’s eyes widen. “Gretchen likes girls?” Karen nods. “You shouldn’t…do people know?”  
“Nope,” Karen says. “Don’t tell anyone. Especially Regina.” Cady nods. “I’m only telling you because you’re friends with them,” Karen points over to Damian and Janis’s table. “So maybe you could set them up. Since Gretchen is really lonely.” Karen pouts. 

“Okay. That’s…a lot.”

“Uh huh. Shh! Regina’s coming!” Karen whispers.

Regina asks, sitting and scrolling through her phone. “The bathroom, I think? She said she’d be right back,” Cady explains. Keeping a secret felt like lying, even if it was for Gretchen’s safety, and even though Regina wasn’t nice. She worries at the hem of her—or, Damian’s—oversized polo, guilt settling in her stomach.

The distinct click-click of Gretchen’s heels reenter’s Cady’s radar. Gretchen sits back down.   
“Are you, like, good?” Regina asks her.

“I’m—“ Regina knits her brows. “Wait. I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t care.” Gretchen’s face falls. Karen looks away.

Cady hasn’t done anything wrong. But still, her guilt gets knotted, tighter.

___

 

“What’s your deal today?” Damian asks Janis.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Janis deadpans. She sticks the end of her paintbrush in her teeth to go pick up a new one, her other hand full with a palette.

“You’ve been out of it since this morning. Limited eye contact, distant sighing. You haven’t said anything mean to me all day. Frankly, it’s killing our dynamic. Seems like your mind’s preoccupied with something. Or someone.”

“Damian, You can’t possibly be accusing me of pining.”

“Maybe I am. What about it?” he says, his eyes a little mischievous. “If I were, I’d be right.”

“Just as right as I am about the real reason you keep skipping bio this period to hang out here.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Damian glares, picking up his iced coffee.

Janis scoffs, her eyes still fixed on her work in front of her. “Yeah, Christian’s pretty cute, right?” Damian chokes on his coffee, and Janis lets out what’s nearly a snicker.

“Leave me alone. Let me be gay in peace.”

“You _literally_ started it.”

“I—okay yeah, fair.” Janis smiles. “But in being right about my thing—which, by the way, we’re talking about YOU right now—you did admit that I was right so I did win.”

 _Shit_. She did, didn’t she.

Janis sighs. “Again with the sighing! You thought I was exaggerating.” She hears him, but it doesn't really register. She’s trying to find the words but it feels impossible, like they’re an anchor down at the bottom of her throat and it’s gonna take all her energy to haul the truth up to the surface. But she knows she should. Has to. So she grits her teeth and bears it.

“Yesterday. Uh. During this period. The day you happened _not_ to skip, as my luck would have it, I ran into Gretchen in the bathroom. I had my brushes with me. I went to wash them. She was crying in one of the stalls. I didn’t know it was her at first. I don’t even know why I said anything. But I asked her if she was okay, and she said yes. Then she came out and she was, like, a total mess.” Damian’s listening, she knows, but she can also tell that he has no idea where this is going, which makes her even more nervous. She’s still on the fence about telling him how she actually _feels_ , because it’s embarrassing, and a little voice in her head is saying he’ll be disappointed. “And I felt so bad. Cause of the whole candy cane thing. I mean, Cady said we shouldn’t and a part of me knew she was right but a bigger part of me was so thirsty for vengeance that I wouldn’t let me _principles_ get in the way, and I know she’s not a damn saint but I feel like a bad person. We—I did something bad. I don’t think she deserved that. And even if she did I shouldn’t’ve done it. And I know being nasty is my brand or whatever, but it’s different, you know? Feeling cruel?” Janis feels like she’s about to cry. She feels her voice wobbling.

“Whoa, whoa, okay. Okay. Slow down. You’re okay.” Damian touches her hand and tries to get her to let go of the paintbrushes in her hand. She didn’t even realize the death grip she had on them during her confession. Her knuckles are white. And she didn’t even get to the best part.

Janis takes a deep breath. “Yeah. Sorry. Anyway. I, uh. Helped her fix her makeup since it got messed up. Like, really messed up. And then she was talking, confiding in me, so I tried to giver her advice, and the next thing I know she…” Janis squeezes her eyes shut.

 _God_. It’s so dumb. _She’s_ so dumb. She wishes she could rewind, not tell Damian. Not because she doesn't trust him.

Because telling someone, anyone else, made it real.

“She…?” Damian encourages her.

Janis lets it out like an exhale.

“She tried to kiss me.”

“What?!”

“And I haven’t stopped thinking about it because it seemed like she meant it and she heavily, like _heavily_ implied that she’s into me and it’s so ridiculous that it feels like I’m being fucking pranked or something but I’m not.”

“Jesus.”

“I saw it in her eyes, Damian,” Janis says.

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

“I did. She meant it. She’s just…she’s weak. I don’t know. But she was telling the truth.”

Damian’s lips tighten, but he nods.

“I pulled away and she ran out of the bathroom.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.” Saying it all made Janis feel better and worse at the same time. On one hand, she wasn’t dealing with it alone. On the other, she was actually dealing with it.

“That’s a lot.”

“Yep. Can’t believe your flower juice actually knocked me out after _that_ day.”

“Ignoring the fact that you’re acting like you forgot the words “lavender” and “oil” just to belittle my hobbies in the name of friendship and solidarity.”

“Ha.”

“Just this once.” A pocket of silence makes its way into their conversation, like they both needed to catch up. No nonverbal communication, no games. Just processing.

“So what are you going to do?”

“Hell if I know,” Janis says. “Something tells me I’m not the one dealing with more here. Regina already hurt me and can’t do it anymore, but she can hurt Gretchen.”

Damian nods, somber. “Shit.”

“I wish I could turn my feelings off. But I think about her now. I think about…what it would’ve been like if I gave in instead of pulling away. I mean, I made the right decision. But it was still a decision.”

He shakes his head at her. “You’re so brave.” He sucks air in through his teeth. “That sounded sarcastic. I actually did mean it.”

Janis gives him a tired smile. “I know you did.” She picks up a brush to swish it into a cloudy cup of water before dipping it in paint. “So…Christian.”

Damain rolls his eyes at her, folds his arms and turns his back to her in mock protest. She pushes his shoulder, trying to get him to confide in her, too. He needs the validation, and the support, and their solidarity _always_ goes both ways.

And the distraction didn’t hurt, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WRITING REGINA AND KAREN IS SO HARD I DID THEM DIRTY SORRY MAYBE NEXT TIME LOLLL  
> gay shit in the next chapter I promise you won't be disappointed it'll be good thnx for hanging in there ladies and nonladies alike <3


	3. love you something terrible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)

Janis knew her junior year would be eventful, but nothing could’ve prepared her for what actually went down the last few months. She powered her way through pain and confusion and came out of it one friend richer and feeling the most weightless she had since the sixth grade.

Maybe it came with the things that happened to her, or maybe it was just growing up, getting older, the time passing. Either way, things were really good. It was a new feeling, and even though Janis wasn’t usually good with change, she was willing to grapple with this kind. She was less angry and less angsty, and despite once holding those things as hallmarks of her identity she felt more like herself than ever, right here, dancing with Damian in the North Shore gym in an outfit she painted.

“I can’t believe what a success this turned out to be.”

“I know,” Damian responds. “It’s crazy, but actually, I believe it. I think I sort of knew things would work out in the end.”

“I _really_ admire your confidence.”

“Well, it’s more faith than anything, right?” Damian says, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes in reflection. “I felt less like tonight would be good because I made it that way, and more like it would be good because it had to be.”

“That actually makes a lot of sense.” They’ve been swaying back and forth to a slow song, and Janis comes in closer to really hold him.

“What do you say we get out of here?”

“Oh my god, can we go to IHOP? Please?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth, babygirl. Our minds.”

Janis buries her face in his shoulder in laughter. “You’re so fucking right.”

“Let me go get the car. I’ll pick you up in front. I’ll tell Cady to wait there, too.”

“Sounds good,” Janis says. He kisses her on the cheek and she’s left on the dance floor. She scans the room, and it’s a good scene. The typical acidity in the air that’s usually palpable with her classmates is gone, replaced with genuine fun and unapologetic smiling all around. Nothing bad is erased, but everything is uncovered a few layers, like people who she’s only ever seen be bad have beauty in them too. It’s a brave new world, brand new eyes, and good vibes all around. She tries to capture a mental snapshot, and takes a moment to savor the fullness in her heart before making her way through the gym to the front of the building, outside. She'll remember it forever, probably.

It’s April, so it’s not cold, but it _is_ dark and breezy, so it’s comfortably chilly. It’s a welcome break from the stuffy gym for Janis and her blazer.

She hears the click of heels on the pavement come from the left, and her stomach drops a little upon seeing that it’s Gretchen. She looks, honestly, just so hot but also there’s a radiance in her face that’s new. She’s holding a big chunk of Cady’s plastic crown, and she gives Janis a small wave. Janis waves back.

“Hey,” Janis says.

“Hi.”

“Pretty good dance, right? Damian did a good job,” she says.

“Oh, yeah! He was pretty stressed about it, but he always delivers. He’s the best.”

Gretchen nods in agreement. “How was your night? Are you leaving already?”

“Oh, yeah. Cady’s supposed to meet me here, cause she’s coming with me and Damian to go get some food.”

“Cady?” Gretchen’s eyes widen.

“Yeah, why?” It sounds way more judgemental and rude in the air than it did in her head. Gretchen is soft. Janis silently curses herself.

“I was just with her, and she said to come out here right away, like it was super urgent or something. I hope she’s alright.”

 _Wait_. “Shit.” He’s good. So is she. Janis hates them.

“Is everything okay?” Gretchen’s hand darts out to reach for Janis’s arm, but she freezes before she gets there and puts it away.

“Yeah, no, I’m fine, sorry, just...Cady lied. There isn’t an urgent matter to attend to.”

Gretchen looks even more confused, like she’s about to work herself up again. She starts wringing her hands. “I don’t understand.”

“I think, uh, Cady and Damian wanted us to, like...talk.”

“What?” It takes Gretchen a moment to process that. Janis wants to apologize, even though she had nothing to do with it. _Man_ , she was gonna give them hell in the car on the way to IHOP in about three minutes.

“I mean, I did want to tell you something, Janis.” Her name is small and sweet in the other girl’s voice. “I’m really sorry for how I’ve been, this entire time really. There’s so many things I’ve said and done that I regret, and I know that doesn’t mean I can take those things back but whenever I look back on them, even recently, it makes me feel awful. Like, sick almost. You’re a super cool person, and I admire you a lot actually, and I just, you didn’t deserve any of that and I totally get if you want to hate me forever because I definitely deserve it with all that you’ve been through so.” She could barely look at Janis while she said it.

“Hey,” Janis soothes. She reaches out to touch Gretchen’s hand in an attempt to stop her from worriedly wringing them, only to for her to flinch away. _Nice one. You broke the damn girl_.

And God, if Janis’s heart isn’t racing out of her chest at this entire situation. But Gretchen is weak, so she has to be strong. So she decides to be just as honest back.

“Gretchen, I don’t hate you. I might have in the few months between Regina’s birthday and when I started therapy but I could never, not really. The things you did and said weren’t all you. You were scared, and from what I’m getting you had some...feelings of your own,” Janis says. Gretchen’s ears get red hot, and she tucks a lock of hair behind them. “So it’s okay. All’s forgiven, you know? I actually think you’re cool, too. You care a lot about a lot of people, which is pretty special in the apathetic times we find ourselves to be living in. I couldn’t do that—”

“Don’t say that about yourself!” Gretchen starts. “You’re amazing. I’m no better just cause I worry. You’re so creative and powerful and strong and pretty.”

“Do you really think that?” Janis’s voice is quiet and breathy. And she’s a feminist, so that last one shouldn’t be the most important one to her out of the list, but it is. It really is.

“Yeah.” She seems a little calmer, if only out of exhaustion. “I always did. I was jealous at first, but then I was scared, and then I was sad because I knew I could never tell you and I knew you would never feel the same way, which I totally understand but it was still kind of hard I guess.”

Janis is freaking out. Her brain is short circuiting because _the girl I had fantasies about when I was a sophomore who I always thought was not only straight but also out of my league is currently a flustered, lovestruck mess over me which can’t be true because this is real life and not a movie._ But it is. Maybe she’s being Truman-showed. _Wouldn’t be the first wild thing to happen this year_.

“Janis?” How long has she been lost in her train of thought?

It doesn’t matter. She has to check if it’s really too good to be true.

Janis brings a hand up to Gretchen’s face and lifts her chin a little bit, and she follows without resistant. Her eyes are big and beautiful like planets and Janis sees them close as she kisses her. Janis knows that Gretchen has to be way more experienced than her, even though those experiences were _different_ , but she doesn’t expect it to be this good. Not that she thought any of would ever happen, let alone did she have the means to form any expectations, but nothing could’ve prepared her for this. Gretchen moves and the world around them falls away, piece by piece in silent slow motion, and she never wants it to stop. Gretchen seems to go back and forth between knowing and not knowing what she’s doing, switching from confident to confused but enthusiastic all the way through. Janis’s arms make their way around the other girl’s waist, and Gretchen leans forward and puts her arms around her neck. She smells the way Valentine’s day is supposed to feel—fresh and sweet, with all the warmth and closeness you could ever hope for. And she tastes like this absolute hunger, desperate to deepen the kiss and it’s so much Janis can barely handle it. She starts to get dizzy, and it’s really hard for her to do but she pulls away like a magnet, hard to break apart but so weightless and empty after. Gretchen must feel it to, because she lets out the tiniest whimper when it happens. Janis feels that one go straight downstairs. It makes Janis want to die. Maybe she has. Maybe she’s having a stroke?

Gretchen’s breathing got a little bit heavier. They’re still impossibly close; all they did was disconnect. They’re still tangled up on the sidewalk. Janis lets her hands slide down before dropping away, and Gretchen reluctantly removes her hands from the other girl’s shoulders. Janis clears her throat. _Cool moves, Sarkisian. Cool moves_.

“See? That was brave,” Gretchen says, half a smile on her face.

“I guess it was, huh?” The other girl nods and runs her hands up and down her arms. It’s a little cold.

“Here,” Janis says, starting to take her blazer off.  

“Oh, no, you don’t have to—”

“Shh. Let me. I want to,” Janis says as she drapes it over Gretchen’s shoulders. “I run hot anyway. I’m fine, I promise.”

“You got that one right,” Gretchen says, and honest to God giggles about it. If Janis’s heart could make noises, she’d hear a loud “whoosh.” Like a plane taking off or something.

“Wow,” is all she can say. Gretchen keeps laughing, grabbing onto the lapel with one hand and holding Janis’s in the other. The jacket almost swallows her up. The colors don’t match her dress, but she still looks perfect in the dim evening light. Something compels Janis to lift her hand and kiss it, so she does exactly that (because fuck it, right?). Gretchen’s face melts into a smile. She’s beaming up at her, and it’s such a good feeling.

Janis wants to capture _this_ forever, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all liked it this is the gayest shit i've ever written lolll <3


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